The Ballet Bible

Ten things you should do if you do not want to improve your ballet, or the art of being negative!

Those times, many people claim they have the solution to be the best in many things. I have decided to do the opposite. Explain you how to be the worst !!
Yes, I am not scared, I’ll explain you how to be the worst in your ballet dancing.Off course, this has to be read “the funny way”, keeping in mind you have to read behind the words, and understant what you need to do is the exact opposite !!

1. In your ballet school, always compare what you can do with girls 2 levels upper than yours.

You’ll be and remain convinced that what you are able to do is in many way not
as good as what they can. You’ll feel jalous and envious of them, and will only
copy them. That way, you will not increase your own creative and artistic way,
you’ll just become a good copyist.


2. Always wear large oversized clothes when going to ballet. Most of all, wear large sport pants.

You’ll avoid having your teacher see exactly the way you work and will keep away
from the bad comments like “she’s got fat there, her legs are not turned out,
…”. As your teacher will not see what you do, he / she will not say it is
right. If you are hot with those pants, just think that you may be cold if you remove them, so keep it.


3. Never listen to tips / advice / discussion you may have with your teacher.

Anyway, the teacher is just here to earn money and his / her only goal is to
have his / her income at the end of the month. If she / he gives you this or
that tip, it is just because it is the way she / he learnt when younger, and
this is past. And, anyway, it is more pleasant to chat with your best friend
than listening to what is said. If sometimes your teacher says you should
listen, just laugh, this will make other laugh too and you\’ll be honoured to be
the official ballet school laughing girl.


4. Always eat hamburgers (2 at a minimum) and drink coke before your ballet lessons.

Sugar is very important for intensive exercice. With all this sugar and fat,
you\’ll have enough energy when you’ll need it. It you need to jump during the
lesson, just claim you feel “heavy”, this may be a good excuse not to do them.
If you feel a bit hungry during the lesson, just eat a few more chocolate.


5. Just expose how flexible you are to other, do not help them to be.

Exposing yourself as “the best” and not beeing helpfull is certainly the best
way to remain convinced you are the best to something and avoid seeing other
people getting better than you are. If talking about flexibility, always answer
“it is the way I was born” when asked how you do, do not share your tips and
personnal way to do, this would make you lose a big part of your charisma.


6. Never try pointe shoes before your end of year recital.

First, you risk to make them dirt. Second, they certainly are way too nice and
clean to be worn. Just wait the last time before going on stage to wear them.
Off course, as your feet will hurt, just stand en pointe during the performance
and keep not smiling too much, everyone must see how hard it is. When going out
of stage, just say everything is ok, and your feet do not hurt. If some seem
surprised, just claim that “you do not understand why people do so much noise
with brand new pointe shoes, as they do not hurt that much”.


7. Always critic what other dancer do, and when you fail just say you are tired.

You must always have a good excuse for failing. And you do not need to find it,
you have it. You are the best, you know it. And as the best, it is normal that
you may be tired and exhausted with all you need to do to be. If some say you
are not so good, just tell them you are, period. Off course, refuse to debate
your status or whatever, other girls are not able to understand genius. If this
comes from your teacher, just cry and have big tears. If asked why, beg to have
congratulations, tell (with lots of tears in your voice) that you are good to
nothing, nobody likes you and that you know the teacher hates you. You\’ll be
surprised how much people will tell you you are not, maybe some will say
(temporarily) they are your friends !!


8. Ask parents, relative, boyfriend, friends, whoever to come and watch you at your ballet lesson

First, this will add a lot of mess to your lessons. Second, you will feel very
important for several reasons :

9. Other girls in your ballet school will think you have many friends, and it is important to have friends.
10. The watchers (as they are not ballet dancers) will be impressed by your ballet practice, although you fail to something.
11. As your teacher will probably ask them to leave, just look sorry. All watchers will think you are someone very courageous to handle such teacher.
12. If you consider you do a (pirouette, grand-jete, …) perfectly, don’t try to do it better.

If you do it perfectly, why would you lose time trying to do it still better ?


13. If the weather is too hot, don’t go to your lesson. If the weather is too cold, don’t go to your lesson.

You are way too much important and precious to risk beeing cold or hot at your ballet lesson. Always tell people who will ask why you didn’t come that you were afraid of getting sick (or whatever) because of tireness, and that your body needs to have a stable temperature to perform at its best. People will not think you are fragile, they’ll be convinced you are someone who knows what she does with her body, and must be an expert. Maybe some will ask you tips !!

In few words, always be negative, not-smiling and feel confident in yourself. Refuse any help and do not listen to what other people have to say.

This is the only real way to success …. well, to your own succes

I am Olivier TOURCHON, webmaster of www.dansephoto.com. Working with many ballet companies in France has helped me to have a knowledge of the way dancers live and dance.